Books That Got Me Through

Originally published August 13, 2017

I've been pretty blessed during my 17 years of practice in Paganism and Witchcraft and the changes my path has gone through. Even though the county I lived in growing up was notorious for their KKK population and it wasn't always the wisest to be "loud and proud," it was still relatively safe. Many held an attitude of it being a phase or just silliness, which is insulting, but not entirely unwelcoming.

It wasn't too different of a story in the Army. My training in Texas opened up with the usual sleep-inducing orientation speeches and death-by-PowerPoint presentations. But among them was the chaplain who started off with a question: "So where are my Wiccans?" And being open was never an issue again. There may not have been as much awareness in Alaska, but no one was threatening to come break down my door either.

And Colorado was as safe a haven as I could have hoped for. For all the drama, misinformation, and pseudoscience to be found in that state, the worst in the way of prejudice was a silent, non-confrontational kind that didn't overly interfere with my life. (Yes, there were exceptions, but none that I personally went through.)

But then I found myself in Virginia. Not just any part of Virginia. Falwell City, er, I mean, Lynchburg, VA. Nothing could prepare me for the culture shock. While my ex mother-in-law's severe prejudice, bigotry, and declarations of "you'll never get any blessings in your life..." were blatant and undeniable (kind of hard to miss given the volume of hate speech heard clearly down the block), the prejudice was everywhere, even among some of the most caring and giving people I've ever met.

I had to be very careful about who I said what to. Discussions that would normally have brought me peace and comfort were turned into a verbal form of Chess as I tried to stay true to me while choosing my words very carefully to not trigger an odd sense of attack ingrained in those who grew up in that area. Even among the more open-minded and accepting, I had to focus solely on the common ground and do my best to work through the language of a faith that hasn't fit me my whole life. (To highlight how difficult this was, my background in Christianity is Catholicism. Unless Catholic themselves, Catholicism is not well-received in Lynchburg. I'm fairly certain you're safer a witch than a Catholic in that city.) I even had to get really creative in small-talk where the common question is "Which church do you go to?" (Yeah, do NOT answer with "nature" because you will "hurt" the person asking.)

Spiritually, this was a devastating experience. Had all been well and good in other matters, I could have breezed through it. But everything else was shit. I was in a shelter, dependent on the people around me for every kind of support anyone could need. I was fighting for the best interests of my baby son. I had eaten up every penny to my name just trying to get back to the east coast. It was a time where being myself, someone who doesn't fit into the local culture at all, was a danger to myself and my son's future. I had to avoid my practice. I even went so far as to find ways to reword the Bible to suite my personal beliefs. All for the sake of conforming. How did I feel? Like I was going through spiritual death. I hated myself for it, but I did my best to connect with the positive energy and essence that was not out of tune with my beliefs.

Even after I was able to get a little bit of a hold on things and started the climb back up the ridiculously steep mountain that makes the Incline in Manitou Springs look like a joke, I kept having one thing after another pop up; Threats to collapse all the progress I had made and destroy all hope of a future. Those words of my ex mother-in-law rang through my ears, and I began to question. I knew what she said was wrong in the most absurdly, bigoted way it could be. But I did stumble in wondering why, on a spiritual level, I was still meeting so much resistance to getting my life back. And so I questioned. And prayed.

To make it short, my answer started as a dream that bothered me, and I'm certain it was an internal method of sorting through the spiritual madness. Which led me to journey for guidance. And I got it. In the least expected way possible for me. I may share the details of that dream and journey in a later post, but for right now, suffice it to say I am and always will be a Witch. It is my nature and the only choice in the matter is to accept it (and thrive) or not (and struggle).

Up until this point, the Bible and other Biblical-related readings I had been given during and since the shelter had gotten me through the hardships. Okay. Don't let me lie. Reading them didn't get me through. But revisiting them helped fill in some gaps to form bridges with people I very much needed at the time. They had filled a need and in that sense helped me through. But spiritually, I was wasting away. Which is why the dream-journey combo experience was so powerfully moving and motivating. It answered the spiritually-focused question of what was getting in my way. I was closing myself off from being who I was meant to be.

The following year would be quite the journey to getting back on track. And there are three very important books that helped me through it:

The first was The Witch's Bag of Tricks: Personalize Your Magick & Kickstart Your Craft by Melanie Marquis. This book had me look back at what first drew me into Witchcraft and analyze then-and-now beliefs, understandings, and be okay with what does and doesn't work. This was also a really great start because I hadn't yet started therapy. I was able to remember better times, happier times, even sad but powerful times in my life. Things I could draw from to help me with the emotional and anxiety-ridden circumstances I was going through until I could get started on my therapy. I suspect this isn't what Marquis was aiming for when she wrote it, but I'm so glad that she did and I am so very grateful that of all the things I let go of and lost leading up to me reading it, that I managed to hold onto this book.

The next book was given to me late last year, but I didn't actually begin reading it until early this year. Recovery of Your Self-Esteem: A Guide for Women by Carolynn Hillman, C.S.W. This book, just as my friend said it was, is a life-changer. Despite having been written over twenty years ago, it's still relevant for women today. (I would argue anyone, but the language is geared toward women specifically. Except maybe the chapter on Nurturing Yourself While Making Love. Everyone should read that one. Just saying.) It helped me to understand and find a way to explain things to my therapist and helped to really narrow down and prioritize my goals. This book was my wake-up call to realizing I am my own worst enemy and give my power away... a lot.

The third book was Jacki Smith and Patty Shaw's Do It Yourself Akashic Wisdom: Access the Library of Your Soul. I remember years ago, when I was still a newbie "Wiccan," reading about the Akashic Records. At the time, I decided not to pursue it. Partly because I was skeptical of the online sources and stories I was reading, and probably also because I was a 15 year old still in the process of learning critical thinking skills and spent a lot of time pursuing topics that turned out to not be relevant to my path back then. So when I had a chance to meet Jacki at the 2014 INATS in Denver and she told me about the book, I was super excited. I've always meant to revisit some of those topics I had written off as low priority. Given all that occurred, I didn't actually get around to reading it until two years later (sorry, Jacki!). I didn't get too far into it, because, again circumstances. But it helped answer a couple questions and bring clarity to some issues.

Earlier this year, however, I picked Akashic Wisdom back up and got into the "meat" of it. I am so grateful I did! If the first couple chapters brought clarity last year, the full book gave me super vision! Admittedly, I still struggle to fully implement the practices into daily life, but I broke free of some huge roadblocks (one of which I hope all the females in my family on my mother's side alive today felt), and I plan to clear more of it as I continue my healing. I am more at peace with myself and many of the things I've gone through involving other people because of this book.

Now these three books got me through when I still felt little to no hope and I was very much in danger of a cycle repeat. Currently, I am reading two books worth a huge mention on the topic of books to get you through.

One of these is Warrior Goddess Training: Become the Woman You are Meant to Be by Heatherash Amara. Where Recovery of Your Self-Esteem woke me up to the realization that I had never had real and lasting self-esteem before, Warrior Goddess Training is helping me to carry on the work of building it and maintaining it. The spiritual focus and spin on the material found in this book brings purpose. So when that "negative self-talk monster" (as I call it) wants to play devil's advocate by saying things like, "Why do I even bother? Is this even important? I have other people I need to focus on more," my calling as a Witch provides the answer.

Speaking of one's calling as a Witch, the other book I am reading right now is The Witch's Journey: Cutting the Cords of Christian Dogma by Elaanie S. (I'm almost all wrapped up with this one, so expect to see a full review post because this book deserves it!) I actually started writing this post before Elaanie's book reached my hand almost two weeks ago, so the timing couldn't be more perfect. I put this post on hold while I dived in. And oh, my goodness! Sometimes we think we're over things. But we're not. So even if you feel like you've cut the cords on dogma, read this book. Because chances are good you haven't. Not fully.

Now, in my case, some of my wounds were cut open by the more recent experiences I talked about above. So I've had to take my time reading through the first half of The Witch's Journey because it forced me to process a lot of things bugging me under the surface. And let's not forget my wonderful Lammas experience with a local Pagan group I talked about in my last post. I'm feeling way more at ease about being an open Witch and Pagan in a not-so-Pagan-friendly part of the country. The experience of reading this book is shedding the spiritual pain and healing the hurts caused by prejudice.

These are the books that got or are getting me through my hardships. What books have helped you through difficult times in your life?

Blessings, Evy