Therapy Sucks, That's How You Know It's Working

Therapy is all those things you don't want. The things you don't want to think or say or do. Or admit to, for that matter, least of all to yourself. It pushes you to stop avoiding, stop denying. You have to take a long, hard look at yourself. And be honest. Goodness knows nothing's worse than believing yourself to be one of the most honest people in world and come face-to-face with the realization that you're a pro at lying to yourself.

It just fucking sucks! So why put yourself through it? Because you have to. If not for yourself, then for your children or your parents or your friends or your siblings or the world. You just simply have to. When there's things you don't want to look at (and no, I don't mean something grotesque that makes you feel sick to your stomach; that's logical), things that impact you on a daily basis, consciously or not, they get in your way. They run amok while you're busy turning your mind elsewhere.

Think of it like a toilet. When you use the toilet, you are releasing all the waste, the stuff your body doesn't need. You then flush it down. You wash your hands afterwards, to prevent any of the waste particles from spreading germs about. Regularly, you clean your toilet, making sure none of that waste stuff is lingering around. All is well and healthy.

This all makes perfect sense. If you don't release the waste in your body, it builds up to the point of causing pain and distress. Your body suffers as things get backed up; possibly resulting in critical failures. (Game over. Try again next life!)

Or say you do release the wastes, but skip out on washing your hands. All those germs from the waste particles stick with you and will make you sick. If not you, then someone else who comes in contact with you or something you've touched. And it's not as simple as just a little cold or possibly the flu. We're talking diseases like these and good ol' H. pylori. Fun times. (Not really.)

And if you never clean the toilet? Over time, anyone who uses that toilet (including you) will basically be coming in contact with the not-washing-your-hands scenario on steroids. Not to mention reduced air quality and the spreading throughout the bathroom, house, and wherever you or anyone else in the home go.

Needless to say, you want to use the toilet when you need to, wash your hands after, and thoroughly clean the toilet regularly. If you don't, problems build up, mild and gradual at first, but intensifying and speeding up over time. The longer you go without addressing these things, the harder it is to correct later.

Psychological health is no different. Depending on where you're at, therapy might just be prevention (providing you a "toilet" you feel comfortable using, a good hand-washing technique, or toilet cleaning supplies and schedule). Or maybe you let things build up and just need some help sorting them out to get everything all clean again so you can go along your merry way in this thing called life. And then perhaps you're like me and find your metaphorical toilet, hand-washing, and cleaning went completely neglected for so long and you straight up believed you had been doing it right all along to find that just thinking about or halfheartedly doing it wasn't enough. Therapy, in that case, is a rescue boat and treasure map to a life worth living wrapped in one.

If you're still struggling with the metaphor:

Using the toilet = feeling and processing your experiences, thoughts, feelings consciously.

Washing your hands = being aware of how experiences, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are affecting you and those around you; self-correcting as needed.

Cleaning the toilet = checking in on your mental, emotional, and behavioral health to ensure you are taking care of yourself as needed and taking any steps necessary to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs, changing behaviors that aren't aligned with your values, and pausing to note the impact of all these things on your life and the lives around you.

So if you are someone who needs or could benefit from it, therapy equals good.

But, you may wonder, if therapy is so good for you, why does it suck? And it's certainly hard to deny that going through therapy can, at least a good deal of the time, feel as though it's making things worse.

Well, going back to the beginning of this post, it has a lot do with that whole "it's all the things you don't want." Don't want bills you have to pay? Bills suck. Hate shoveling snow? Shoveling snow sucks. Having to get out of bed to go to work when what you really want to do is take the day off and sleep in (or at least hit snooze about 15 more times)? Going to work sucks. Chores you detest? Meetings you find unbearable? That ugly sweater you would rather use as a worthy excuse to start a bonfire but know will greatly offend your granny to the point of tears if you don't wear it at least once? All sucks.

Just like with all these examples (and the dozen or so others I'm betting you can list without contemplation), therapy is something that if you don't do it, there's negative consequences. Skipping a payment on a bill or calling out "sick" (mental health days are a real thing, damn it!) from work once may not turn out so bad (for some, it weighs more on our conscience than anything else). But repeating those things frequently and regularly, over time the consequences will mount until you find yourself not where you want to be and likely hurting someone else (even unintentionally) in the process.

Therapy is a choice and you can start it then stop or never start it at all. I won't judge you for skipping a bill or losing a job because you never showed up for work (can't really count it as "having a job" in the first place if you never went, anyway). I won't judge you for not going to (avoiding!) therapy.

And that's the bottom line, right there. Judgment. Oh, ugly, ugly judgment. How many of us were raised and continue to be bombarded by constant reminders of how wrong it is to judge others? (By the way, saying judgment is "wrong" is a judgment. You're welcome.) Now how many of us were equally taught not to judge ourselves? Bet those numbers are no where near equal. Some of us are really "bad" about judging others, it's chronic. Others of us are like saints seeing the good in all people. But the thing we have in common is how critically we judge ourselves. The ones judging others are drawing attention away from their self-judgments. And those blessed "saints" are heavily weighed down by their own internal judges that never cut them slack in anything they do or say or think.

Therapy sucks because you don't want to do it. But you don't want to do it because of all the judgment about yourself you'll have to confront. That's scary. Starting therapy is like saying you want to be adopted by the absolute worst, most authoritarian parent ever to exist. Only that therapy-induced authoritarian parent is worse than any person imaginable because they absolutely do, with 100% no doubt about it, know every tiny little thing you think, say, do, or feel because they are you. You can't run from that bastard no matter how hard you may try.

I'll ask again: If it sucks so bad, why put yourself through it? Because therapy is where you learn to let go of self-judgment. You don't just dredge up all those things you'd much rather shove back down and pretend never happened or don't exist. And you don't just commit to uncovering all your avoidance issues and pushing past them. You learn to stop judging yourself. When the judgment melts away, all that's left are the issues at hand, and it's so much easier to work those out and get past them (or learn to live with them when that's the case) when you can get a fresh, unfiltered perspective.

The mind is versatile, creative, and powerful when we open it up as far as it can possibly go. Therapy is hard, but the benefits will last a lifetime. Go get you some!

What are your feelings toward therapy (in general or specific forms of therapy)? Do you have any stories on the subject? Personal experiences? What hang-ups did you have (or still  have)? Any bad or failed experiences with therapy? Success stories? Are you afraid to try it? Do you feel like you don't need therapy? If not, why? For those who've been through therapy at least once, what would you want anyone starting therapy to know?

Wishing you the very best whatever your journey, Evy